By: Jason K. McDonald
*October 2015 TLP Community Contest Winner*
I didn’t feel anxious until lights went out under the door.
It was the night I was initiated an Entered Apprentice. I had looked
forward to it for months. What did I feel walking into the lodge that
night? Excitement? Yes. Dear friends and near-strangers shook my hand,
smiling as they asked, “Are you nervous?” No. I couldn’t get started fast
enough. “No reason to be nervous. No reason to be afraid.” Why would I be
afraid? “Just remember everything will be okay.”
They escorted me into a small room and told me to sit. Soft music played
from somewhere around me. And was that incense? A small candle in the
corner, another on a shelf, and the light under the door, were all that
illuminated the room. They told me to reflect on what was about to happen.
They told me it would help me spiritually prepare.
What was I going to find? Why was I doing this? I had tried answering that
for my wife. For people at work. For myself. I *knew* it mattered. I *knew*
I was there for more than just curiosity. But every time I tried putting
the yearning I felt into words I found that everything slipped away. I
thought I understood why I was doing this . . . when you didn’t ask me
about it. But forced out of the hidden recess of my consciousness, my
reasons fled.
And then the light went out under the door. From the lodge room I could
hear talking. I couldn’t make anything out, just voices rising and falling.
The crack of a gavel. And I felt nervous. How did they know I would?
The door opened. They asked me questions. They slipped a mask over my eyes.
No, that wasn’t nervous before. This was nervous.
I can’t describe what happened next as *slow*. No, it was as if I didn’t
realize how frenetic my life had become until this ritual shifted time back
into its proper track. Why did circling the room feel so comfortable? Oh,
the tension was gone. I slipped into an almost-familiar pattern. My whole
body exhaled. I knelt at the alter. I was asked what I most desired.
Light.
Oh. There was my answer. The reason I was doing this. The substance of what
I hoped to find. Why did I try so hard to explain it to others? Light. How
could I say more? All the words that escaped my grasp were concentrated
those five letters. But I cannot see how I will ever exhaust their meaning
before I die.
It was over. It was wonderful. But it was also remarkably ordinary.
Ordinarily remarkable? No. No need to be clever. It was light. My spirit,
which had been standing one-half step outside my body for years, was
finally, firmly planted back where it belonged.
What was it I felt then? Contentment? Serenity? Tranquility?
Was that all?
What else was there? Why would I want more?
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Brother Jason McDonald is an active Master Mason in Damascus Lodge #10, Provo, UT. A student of the esoteric aspects of the craft, one of his primary interests is how Masonry is an expression of the human creative spirit.
Professionally, Brother McDonald holds a PhD in instructional design and currently is the director of digital publishing at a regional publishing house in the western United States. He is a passionate researcher and writer, and a lover of wisdom in all its forms.
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